


In Ceremonies of the Horsemen, Even a Pawn Must Hold a Grudge

by belmanoir



Series: Security 'verse [4]
Category: Hard Core Logo (1996), Kyle XY
Genre: Crossover, Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-01
Updated: 2012-04-01
Packaged: 2017-11-02 20:51:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/373205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/belmanoir/pseuds/belmanoir
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tom and Billy have a fight. The kids stage an intervention.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Ceremonies of the Horsemen, Even a Pawn Must Hold a Grudge

**Author's Note:**

> This is set in blackcurrant's "Security" 'verse, in which Tom Foss bodyguarded Billy Tallent when Joe Dick was haunting him.

Billy comes home from work one day and Tom is acting weird. He's a little more emotional than usual, or maybe his voice is just hoarser. Maybe Billy's freaking out because Tom has a sore throat, which would be embarrassing.

"You think you're coming down with something?"

"No," Tom says huskily. "Why, are you? Do you want me to get you a glass of orange juice?" So then Billy can't tell if the sneaking looks and the solicitude were already happening, or if Tom's just worried about him getting a cold now. But it keeps happening, days after it's clear that Billy hasn't got anything, plus Tom has gotten strangely gentle in bed.

Billy starts to wonder he's showing signs of cracking without realizing it. He finds himself watching for Joe out of the corner of his eye, as if maybe he's been seeing him and hasn't noticed, but Tom has.

But he doesn't see Joe. He feels fine, and Tom keeps acting as if he's made out of glass. Billy tries asking him point-blank, but Tom just looks at him. Finally, Billy decides if Tom knows anything he doesn't, Billy's gonna have to do some old-school detectiving to find out. 

He waits until Tom's at work, and starts hacking his laptop. He thinks maybe he can, since for a security nut, Tom is awfully lax about his own security. There are three locks on their front door. As far as Billy knew, Tom kept them locked at all times. Certainly Tom yelled at him whenever he didn't. Then he came home early from vacation one time, and found the front door unlocked. It freaked him out. 

He tries "Kyle" and "Jessi" as Tom's password but neither of them work. He doesn't know the names of Tom's dead wife or daughter, because Tom is a secretive motherfucker. He figures he's SOL, but just in case he tries his own name. That works. That freaks him out too.

Then he sees what's in the DVD player. _Hard Core Logo_. Bruce's documentary. Tom watched it. Tom watched it and didn't tell him. Tom bought it and didn't tell him. Tom wasn't ever going to tell him.

Tom has seen it.

Billy doesn't know how he feels about that. He doesn't know what to think about Tom's reaction. He leaves the computer open and waits to see what Tom will say. Tom doesn't say anything. Billy gets madder and madder. He stops initiating sex. Tom acts all mopey and kicked-puppy-dog about it, but silently. God forbid he take any fucking responsibility for anything.

After three days, Billy is so angry he can barely see. He takes Tom's truck and drives it, very slowly, into a telephone pole. Just hard enough to smash the fender. Then he calls the insurance company. "I just wanted to let you know I had an accident," he says. "I've had a couple of drinks, is this going to affect our premiums?"

###

That gets a reaction. Billy had thought it would make Tom mad, and then they could scream and fight and be done with it. Instead, when Tom comes into the living room, his eyes are red-rimmed and his voice is choked. Billy knows he should feel guilty, but instead he feels chilly and embarrassed, as if Tom had lost control of his bladder or gotten an erection in a public place. "Billy, were you driving drunk?" 

At least he's shouting. Billy shrugs. 

Tom sputters, one hand sweeping helplessly. "You could have _killed_ someone!"

Billy is stung. "That's the worst thing you can think of? That I could have killed someone _else?_ "

Tom clenches his jaw. "I just want you to be happy."

Billy feels even colder. "What the fuck is _that_ supposed to mean?" But he knows what it means. It means Tom isn't happy. It means he thinks he'll never be happy again, and that he doesn't believe there's a damn thing Billy can do to affect that one way or the other.

Sure, Billy's not happy. But he's happier than he used to be. He thought maybe Tom was too. 

Guess not. _Are you going to kill yourself?_ he wants to ask. But that sounds nuts. Doesn't it? Whatever. He gives in. He stops giving Tom the evil eye and starts fucking him again. He starts playing his guitar in the evening again too.

Until Tom got his guitar out of storage, Billy hadn't played in years. Didn't even miss it really. Or, he missed wanting to, but he didn't want to. He couldn't see the point, when Joe wasn't there to hear it, or tell about it. Which was weird, because Billy had been playing without Joe for five years before Joe died, but it was like--Joe had still been there. Billy could imagine him reacting, even if he didn't get to see it.

Now there's Tom. Of course, Tom's not a musician. But Billy caught him wincing a couple times while Billy was tuning his guitar, even when the note was only a little off. Most people wouldn't notice that. He's got an ear, even if he doesn't know crap about music. Billy's been trying to teach him, playing songs and old records and dragging him to concerts on the weekends. It's hard to tell if any of it is sinking in, but Tom seems content to humor him, and Billy can't stop. In some ways, it's even better than having sex again. So most evenings, Billy plays his guitar, and Tom listens.

Billy's halfway through the song when he realizes Tom is so tense you could make a suspension bridge out of him. He's singing "Don't Think Twice, It's All Right." It takes a second for him to realize that Tom thinks he's sending some kind of message. He isn't, or at least he didn't mean to, but now he's listening to the words and yeah, they sound about right for how he's been feeling. He hates it when his brain sneaks up on him like that, and Tom is sitting there like a rock listening and he saw how Billy was feeling before _Billy_ knew. 

And now Billy is feeling self-conscious about his voice, of all the stupid fucking things. Hearing every time he misses a note or scrapes a little. He's not a singer, he's a guitarist. Backup vocals are all he's good for, and Tom, the fucker, has perfect pitch, but of course he won't sing. Billy can barely bully him into coming in on the chorus a couple times a week. So he sings "go to hell" instead of "fare thee well" like he and Joe always used to. He can hear how nasty his voice sounds.

Tom stands abruptly and goes into the bedroom and shuts the door. Then Billy hears him talking to someone on the phone.

Billy feels cold. He realizes something: he doesn't want Tom to leave him. _I'll play his favorite song,_ he thinks for a crazy second, and then realizes something else. He hasn't got a goddamn clue what Tom's favorite song is. He doesn't know what the hell Tom wants, because Tom won't fucking tell him. For a second, he feels grateful to Joe for being so fucking easy to suck up to.

In the end, he makes pancakes. That seems to mean "happy family" to Tom. Fucking Tragers. They're pretty lumpy, but Tom eats them, so maybe he's not planning his escape just yet.

###

On Saturday, the doorbell rings. Billy opens it.

"Did you check the peephole?" Tom calls from the next room.

Billy didn't. "It's just a bunch of kids," he calls back. At first he thinks they're selling Girl Scout cookies or something, and he's about to tell them they don't want any, and then take it back and buy five boxes of thin mints. Then he recognizes Kyle and Jessi from the photograph on the mantle. 

Fucking great, what a perfect week to make nice with the in-laws. He gives them his best smile anyway. "Sorry, I didn't recognize you at first. Kyle and Jessi, isn't it? I've heard so much about you. I'm Billy." He's not sure if he's supposed to hug them, but apparently not, because five kids file past him into the living room, shaking his hand on the way. The perky blonde is Hillary, the chubby brunette is Lori Trager, and the weird-looking kid is named Declan. Billy commits that to memory. "I'm sorry, Tom must've forgotten to mention you were coming. But there's some Coke in the fridge if you're thirsty."

"Coca-Cola is bad for your health," says Jessi. She looks past him to where Tom has come into the room. "Foss, you haven't been drinking too much coke, have you?"

Lori rolls her eyes. "Don't mind Jessi, she just discovered health food--"

Tom finally finds his voice. "Kyle, what are they _doing_ here?" he demands loudly.

Kyle smiles affectionately at him, but Billy notices Tom doesn't get a hug either. "You called and asked for my help. We came right away."

"I didn't ask for your help!" Kyle's smile turns beatifically skeptical, and Tom looks away. "You brought _Declan?_ "

The perky blonde steps into the middle of the room. "The more the merrier! We're here for an intervention."

Billy looks at Tom, and everything clicks into place. "Tom, I wasn't drinking. I was just pissed at you. Which I would have told you if you had _asked_ me, instead of dragging these kids down here for nothing." He gives them an insincere smile. "No offense."

Hillary waves this away. "No, no, an intervention for your _relationship_. Now sit down, it's time for a frank and open discussion of your feelings."

Tom throws up his hands. "Yeah, no. Thanks for coming, have a great drive back—"

Declan folds his arms. "I didn't just drive down here for nothing. Foss, if you're desperate enough to call Kyle for help--"

Tom shrugs and heads for the door himself. Kyle steps into his path. Tom raises his eyebrows. "I've hit you over the head before."

"You've _what?_ " Billy demands, and Tom gives him an _oh shit_ look. And Billy was definitely not planning to have a frank and open discussion of his feelings with Tom's two kids and a bunch of their friends, but the whole thing is throwing Tom off so much that suddenly he'd like nothing better. 

He pushes the door shut and locks all three locks. "Don't let him leave," he instructs the kids, and heads to the kitchen. He brings back a sixpack of Coke and a little bottle of V-8 juice that was hanging around in the fridge because Billy misses Bloody Marys. He slaps the sixpack down on the coffee table and hands the juice to Jessi. "So have you kids done a lot of relationship interventions?"

"More than you would think," says Lori, grabbing a can of soda and popping the top.

"I just called Kyle," Tom mutters.

"What you have to understand is that Kyle is like _Dr. Phil_ and _Degrassi: the Next Generation_ all rolled into one," Hillary says. "He's a human after-school special. Talk to him and you start feeling thankful for what you have and--"

"Thankful for what I have? Look, it's not that I don't appreciate Tom--"

Jessi snorts. 

"What she means is, Kyle is good at talking about feelings," Declan says. "And Foss--well, Foss isn't."

Billy thinks about that. "You really called Kyle to come talk about your feelings for you because you couldn't do it yourself?" he asks Tom. "That's the most pathetic thing I've ever heard."

Tom shrugs, looking defeated.

Billy sits down. "Okay, I'm listening."

" _You're_ listening?" Jessi says. "You're the one who pretended you were drunk driving!"

"Jessi," Tom says warningly.

Billy feels cornered. These kids are all on Tom's side, even if Tom doesn't seem too happy about that. Billy's not good at big groups. He can deal with people one-on-one, but groups make him nervous. "Did he tell you why I did that?" he asks, trying to sound reasonable.

Kyle shakes his head. "Why did you?"

Billy tries to think of the best way to explain it. "He invaded my privacy," he says finally. "Somebody did a documentary about my band, that had a lot of personal stuff in it, and he got a copy of it without telling me and watched it without telling me."

All the kids look at each other. "Perhaps in the interest of full disclosure, I should mention that we've watched it too," Hillary says a little too brightly.

Billy takes a second. "What, all of you?"

Lori nods. "Jessi found it online."

First Billie's friends, and now these kids. Everyone in his life has seen that fucking movie. Fuck Joe and his fucking attention whore bullshit. No matter where he goes or what he does, he will always be reduced to those ninety minutes. _You don't fucking know me,_ he wants to say, but that's exactly the problem. They know him too fucking well. "Why?" he asks finally.

"To see if you were good enough for Foss," Jessi says, glaring at him. 

It's pretty obvious what she thinks the answer is, but Billy wants to make her say it. "And what did you think?"

Jessi just raises an eyebrow at him.

"Well…" Lori says, and then trails off. "We were expecting someone a little more Fosslike."

Jessi bristles. "Just because he's glamorous and a good guitarist doesn't make him cooler than Foss." Tom laughs, sounding flattered, and in spite of everything Billy is actually starting to like this girl. She's got a good glare. Joe would've liked her.

"I think it's nice," Hillary says firmly. Billy's already figured out that she's one of those girls who decides how things are in her head and sticks to it. "It's nice that Billy has someone to take care of him, who will put him first."

Billy is creeped out by that. And suddenly he feels horribly disloyal. "Joe took care of me plenty of times," he says. "Not everything was in the movie."

Hillary ignores this. "Besides," she says, "they'll get along because they both have tragic pasts!"

Tom's head jerks up. "Why do---what--why does Hillary know about my tragic past?" Billy feels a rush of hopeless love at his angry stuttering. God, he's just so _bad_ at everything. Except for the things he's great at, like security and home repair and blowjobs.

"I only told Jessi," Kyle says. "Oh, and Declan."

"I told Lori," Declan says.

Lori shrugs. "What do you expect? Hillary and I are BFFs."

Tom buries his face in his hands.

"Thanks, Lori!" Hillary says. "So Foss, why don't you explain to Billy why you wanted to watch the documentary."

"Wait," Declan says. "We're not done here. Who cares if Foss watched a movie? Billy _faked_ driving drunk. That's the absolute worst thing he could do to Foss."

"Shut up, Declan," growls Tom. Billy doesn't know what he has against the kid, since after Kyle and Jessi he seems to be the one who likes Foss best.

And frankly he's got a point here.

"He's right, Tom," Billy says. "I'm sorry." Tom ducks his head. Billy looks at Declan to see if this has won him any points. 

"Great!" says Hillary. "Can we move on?"

"No!" says Declan. "Look, I know I'm not one to throw stones at the bad boyfriend greenhouse, but that's low even for me. That's like something Joe Dick would do."

"Declan--"

"I'm sorry, Hillary, but--"

"Don't apologize, muffin, you're a genius!" She put an arm around him and squeezes.

He grins at her. "That's what I've been telling Kyle all these years."

Billy is getting a headache. He wants a drink.

"Do you guys remember my friend Matt from the UW? The really hot junior with great taste in clothes?" 

Tom thuds his head back against the sofa cushion and stares at the ceiling. Billy wonders if he wants a drink too. They've never really talked about it.

"I thought you guys had a fight," says Lori.

"We did. He made me feel insecure and inexperienced all the time, and then he hooked up with this guy I had a crush on, and I called him a slut. Look, I hadn't taken women's studies yet then, okay? So then, instead of just apologizing like a normal person, I pretended nothing had happened, and I started wearing clothes that I thought he would like--"

"Hills, I already apologized for that like fifty times," Lori says.

"QED!" Hillary said triumphantly. "He was the Hillary in our relationship, so I started acting like Lori. You guys saw the movie! Billy was emotionally distant, so Joe acted like a jerk to get a reaction. But Foss is like the Fort Knox of emotions, so that makes him the Billy, so Billy feels like he has to be the Joe!"

Well, shit. She's right. Tom sits up, blinking in surprise.

"Do you think that's right, Billy?" Lori asks.

Billy tries a rueful smile. He doesn't really feel like smiling. "Your friend Hillary is a smart kid."

Hillary beams. "I think Nicole would be proud."

"Hell yes she would," Lori says. Billy grits his teeth. He's tired of people talking about Nicole Trager like she's the fucking Virgin Mary.

"Now, Foss, why don't you tell Billy why you watched that documentary?"

Billy looks at Tom. Tom shrugs.

"Foss, I know this is hard for you," Kyle says gently. "But calling me was the right thing to do. You can do this." Tom's eyelashes flutter. He looks at Kyle, then ducks his head away, looking almost ashamed. Billy's heart lurches at the naked hope and disbelief on his face. He knew Tom loved Kyle, but knowing it and seeing it, and seeing how badly Tom wants to hide it, as if he doesn't trust what Kyle will do with it, or doesn't trust himself, or doesn't trust anything at all--if this is what Tom is like with Kyle, what the hell can _Billy_ expect?

"I don't like surprises," Tom says finally, and Kyle beams as if his baby has just taken its first steps.

Billy feels suddenly jealous, and isn't sure if that's about Tom or Billie or what, but as always it makes him mean. "What is _that_ supposed to--"

"Keep going, Foss," Kyle interrupts.

"When Billie was here--I can't protect you if I don't have complete information!" Tom says loudly.

"Protect me from _what?_ " Billy demands. "Fighting with my kid? I don't think that's something I need to be protected from."

The kids all exchange those meaningful glances again. "Yeahhhh," Lori says. "Foss is kind of unclear on the concept of 'doesn't need to be protected.'"

"Foss protects people," Jessi says simply. "It's what he does."

"And that was fine when he was my security guard," Billy says, trying for a chuckle and just kind of sounding uneasy. "But now that he's my boyfriend, I was hoping for a little more give-and-take."

"That's my fault," Kyle says, sounding sad. "Foss has been protecting me all my life."

"None of this is your fault," Tom says sharply.

"Of course it's not Kyle's fault," Lori says. "Kyle just means that Foss is, like, stuck in protection mode or something."

"He's not a _robot,_ Lori," Declan says. Lori makes a little face, as if to say, _We don't know that for sure._

"And what does Kyle need protecting from, exactly?" Billy asks, trying to get things back on track.

Tom stands up. "No. You do _not_ need to tell him that."

Kyle stands up too. "When I was too young to know who I could trust, you protected me. But I make that decision for myself now." Since he looks about twelve, this should be funny, but Kyle sounds so sure that somehow it isn't. Tom looks at him for a long moment. "Billy is your boyfriend," Kyle says, "and that's enough for me."

"Wait, Kyle," Declan says. "Foss, _you_ trust Billy, right?"

Billy takes a deep breath. He waits, humiliated, for Tom to say no.

Tom sighs heavily, shrugs, and sits down without meeting Billy's eye. That's a yes. 

Billy is absolutely floored. Floored, and abruptly, unexpectedly, panicked. "I'm not trustworthy."

"Told you," says Jessi.

Kyle smiles at him. "I don't believe that." Something in his face reminds Billy of Joe at that age, that grin that made you want to follow him anywhere, because he could change the world. No, better than that, he could change _you._ He could make you the person you'd always wanted to be. But Billy isn't eighteen anymore. He's never going to be the person he's always wanted to be, and if he doesn't get away from Kyle and his smug Zen bullshit he feels like he might punch him in the face.

"Thanks," he says with a grateful smile, "but I could really use a cigarette. I'll just be a minute."

Hillary stands up. "Let him go," Tom says hoarsely.

It's raining outside, but Billy smokes his cigarette down to the filter. Then he smokes another one. This is definitely one of the weirder afternoons of his life, and he has a feeling it's about to get weirder and more disturbing. Does Kyle have a stalker? Abusive parents? Is he in the witness protection program? Is this really going to explain why Tom is so paranoid and closemouthed, or is this the end of the road?

He left the front door of the apartment open a crack. He's amazed Tom hasn't shut it. As he comes down the hall, he can hear Lori saying "Drop it, Hills! I'm not going to ask him to listen to one of my songs! He must get that all the time." 

It's just a little opening, but even having that tiny angle makes him feel better. "Not much anymore," he tells Lori with a crooked grin as he pushes the door open. "I didn't know you were a musician. I'd love to hear one of your songs." Behind her, he can see Tom raising his eyebrows and shaking his head meaningfully, and somehow manages not to laugh. "Thanks for waiting, Kyle. Now what were you going to tell me?"

"I'm a clone," Kyle says. "I was raised in a pod until I was sixteen."

There is a moment of absolute silence. Then Jessi says loudly, "So was I. But Foss didn't know about me then."

Billy looks around at the group. "Is this some kind of joke?" They all look deadly serious. He meets Tom's eyes. 

Tom is white-faced and his jaw is clenched so tightly Billy can practically hear his teeth grinding together. He shakes his head. 

"A pod," Billy repeats carefully.

Kyle nods. "We were being used as computers by a group of scientists called"-- he says a name that sounds vaguely like Sizzler but with more Xs. "Foss watched over me while I was there. When I was sixteen, they decided to terminate me. Foss saved my life, and when they came after me, he--" Kyle hesitates.

"He blew the place up," Declan supplies.

"He _what?_ "

"With everyone inside," Lori says. Tom closes his eyes briefly.

"And don't forget that homeless junkie he probably framed," Hillary added. "He was on TV."

"Oh right, and Professor Kern," Declan says.

"Wait, _what?_ " Billy says.

"Foss is, like, a killing machine," Lori says. "Hope that's cool."

"Tom," Billy says, as if Tom is still someone he can turn to, as if everything is still normal, instead of his boyfriend maybe turning out to be a serial killer, "this is some kind of prank, right? I'm sorry about the car, that was an asshole move, but--"

Tom raises his head. "It's the truth," he says. It sounds as if the words hurt his throat. His eyes are awful. John used to get that effect with red eyeshadow, and Billy always hated it.

Billy has no idea how to react to this. This is a whole other level of fucked-up from doing coke, trashing hotel rooms, and manipulating people. He looks at the kids. They look solemn, but mostly as if they're worried about him and Tom's relationship, not by what they've just revealed. "This doesn't bother you guys?"

"No," Jessi says instantly, fiercely. Hillary shrugs.

"It's fucked up, but he did it to protect Kyle," Declan says.

Lori's the only one who looks torn. "I mean, it does make me feel a little churnstile when I think about it, but Declan's right. I'd probably kill someone to protect Kyle myself if I had to."

"You won't have to," Tom says. But he's not looking at her. He's looking at Kyle, who hasn't said anything yet. Billy is afraid to ask. If it's the wrong answer, it will break Tom's heart.

Declan elbows Kyle in the side. Kyle opens his mouth.

"Kyle, you don't have to--" Tom starts.

"How can you think--?" Kyle bursts out passionately. He turns to Billy. He's gone from Zen Buddha to choked voice and bloodshot eyes in about two seconds. He must've learned that from Tom. "Foss is the one person in the world who's been completely on my side since I was a baby. How can I possibly judge him? If you want to blame anyone for the things he's done, blame me!"

"Don't be stupid, Kyle--" Tom says.

Kyle rounds on Tom. "If there's one thing I'm not, it's stupid! I know you gave up any chance you might have had at having another family in order to be there for me. If my secrets ruin this too--"

"You've never ruined anything," Tom says flatly. He looks at Jessi. "Either of you. I did that myself."

Jessi gives Tom a tiny smile, as if she's thrilled he remembered her. What is the deal with these three? "You've never ruined anything either," she insists. She gives Billy a slit-eyed look. She knows who the ruiner in the room is. Suddenly, he feels exhausted.

"Nothing's ruined," he says, not sure if it's true. "Look, this is a lot to take in. Why don't I give you kids cash for a hotel, and we'll take you to lunch and a movie tomorrow?"

Declan, who obviously wants to be more in charge than he is, says they wouldn't dream of letting Tom and Billy pay for their hotel. Billy just hands the money to Jessi, and is rewarded by a wary but gratified look as she shoves the cash in her back pocket. Suddenly, Billy has an idea. "It was great meeting you," he says, and gives her a hug. He hugs all of them. For a second they stand there, but he was right: now it's weird for them to shake hands with Tom. 

Tom stands frozen, his arms at a weird angle, and then Jessi grins and throws herself at him. All the kids follow suit. Billy sees him squeeze his eyes shut as Kyle's arms go around him and stay there for about five times as long as normal. Kyle and Jessi are glowing as they head out the door. Tom watches them go with a wondering look on his face--then turns bright red as Hillary's carrying voice says, "Well, I think that went well!" and Lori answers, "Just don't say the words 'makeup sex' and we'll be fine." 

When their voices are no longer audible, Tom goes back to the couch and collapses onto it, not looking at Billy. Billy has absolutely no idea what to say. He thinks really hard. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." He is obviously not fine.

Billy sits down next to him. "Did you really kill a homeless man?"

Tom looks away.

Billy leans back against the cushions, talking without really knowing what he's saying. "Me and Joe tried to catch a homeless guy once. We were high and Joe wanted his jacket. How'd you get him into your car?"

"I offered him money for sex." There's a weird note in his voice.

Billy blinks. "Did you have sex with him?”

"No, I overdosed him on heroin and planted evidence on him after he died." He makes a strange clicking noise with his tongue, and laughs.

Billy suddenly realizes Tom is hysterical. Shit. "Let me get you a glass of water," he says, and escapes to the kitchen. He tries to remember what he did when Joe cried. Joe did cry sometimes, usually to blackmail Billy into not being angry at him anymore. Depending on his mood, Billy would walk out or snuggle him. He wants to walk out now. At least Joe never _killed_ anybody. Except himself. 

But Tom did this to himself because Billy wanted more honesty. He really can't talk about himself or his feelings, and he's doing his best. He's fucked up beyond anything Billy imagined. 

Billy told Tom he wanted more emotional responsibility, but Hillary was right about that too. He picked someone who would take care of him, and put him first. He said to Tom once that Tom liked making Billy look like the only fuck-up in the room. Maybe it was true, but Billy likes it too. He likes things being about him and not having to think about Tom or what he wants. After Joe, it's been a fucking relief. But he asked for this, and now he has to be a grownup and suck it up. 

He goes back into the living room, sets the glass of water down on the coffee table, and put his arm around Tom. Tom sniffles and then buries his head in Billy's shoulder. Billy is stunned. 

"You should quit smoking," Tom says in a choked-up voice. 

"Why, you don't like the smell?" 

"No, I'll miss the smell. But cigarettes give you cancer."

"You are crazy," Billy tells him, "and I love you."

"Thank you," Tom says, his voice muffled by Billy's sweater. He's still never said the L-word out loud.

Maybe Billy should just tell him he wants to hear it. "Tell me," he says. "Tell me how you feel about me. Say 'I love you.'"

There's silence. He's going to say _You love me_ like Joe and he's a serial killer and his shoulder is solid under Billy's hand. "You're perfect," Tom says with such intensity that Billy's breath catches in his throat. Joe used to say that to him when they were fucking but what it really meant was _you're beautiful_ and _never change_. He loved hearing it but it made it hard to breathe too. It made him want to push Joe away so he could catch his breath. It was so easy to become imperfect.

It sounds simple when Tom says it. Billy breathes in and out, carefully, and holds Tom tighter. "What did you see, when you watched the movie?" Billy asks.

There's another long silence. Tom breathes loudly against his shoulder. "You were happy."

Of all the things he expected Tom to think about, that wasn't one. Was he happy? He can't remember. Thinking about that tour, thinking about that movie, all he remembers is the wow finish. How he felt responsible for it, and how he knew everyone was looking at him and thinking the same thing. "Don't ever die," he says.

Tom chuckles. "I do my best." It's true, Billy knows that. Tom always does his best.

"You make me happy," he says. "Most of the time. Do you--are you happy? Could I do something to make you happy?"

Tom raises his head. His cheek is red where it was pressed against Billy's sweater. His eyes are red too. "Don't smash up my car," he says, and smiles.

Billy laughs. Maybe he can cut down to a pack a week. If it would make Tom happy.


End file.
